Hello Again...it's been quite awhile!

Wow...it's been a long time! I should be sleeping right now but I can't. So I am saying hello to all you blogging people out there or blog followers- "Hello!"

Life has been a whirlwind lately and I am hoping it slows down a bit. A word of wisdom for those of you who have yet to be married- don't ever have a second reception. Ever. It's way too much work and it causes so much stress that you thought you had left behind on your wedding day, but suddenly it's there rearing it's ugly head again. We are still totally wiped out from it, but each day we put away a little more and get a bit more settled in.

So now what does my life look like? I'm not sure. I've never had to consider another person before in my plans for the future. Right now our goals are to finish school and learn how to be husband and wife. It's fun but I'm not going to lie, it's tough too.

My husband doesn't know this, but when I was younger I always dreamed of marrying someone who enjoyed taking walks with me. My husband loves to walk with me everyday! It's good. It's like our little space of time with no interruptions, just time to walk and chat. I love it.

Alright, that's all for now! I need to get to bed.

Ciao, j.

Ketchup Taboo Thunder

Hello my friends!

I have been off the blogging wheel for a couple of weeks. Things got pretty crazy and will continue to be for the next 30 days! I have wanted to blog but have been so tired I just can't. Sleep is essential for functioning. :)

Last week was a rough week. Work was incredibly stressful and kept messing with all of the n0n-work-work I needed to do. Staying until 7pm is really just not an option for me right now. On top of staying late, I've been put in a position that I shouldn't have ever been. I was told to let someone know they were off the project and I was now working on it. I didn't do it and I wouldn't do it. I am not in the role of "boss" and I won't tell my peer such news. So I told my colleague to ask our boss what was going on. It's very tough to be in that place.

Are you an assertive person? If you are then tough decisions are not too difficult for you. You have an easy time deciding what is right for you and expressing it. I am not an assertive person and when I have to make a decision and follow thru on a decision that could hurt someone, it literally just makes me a huge ball of anxiety.

Anyway, tough week over. On to a new week. We finished our premarital counseling on Sunday! It was so good for us. Even Sunday we planned our ceremony and then talked about lots of stuff. It feels good to have another thing done.

It just started thundering! I love it.

I continue to realize how much fear is inside me. Fear is like thunder. It's loud, sometimes deafening but really it's just a bunch of hot air hitting some cold air. But it's nothing really. It makes us think it's scary and much bigger than it actually is. I have found that just admitting I'm afraid of something helps relieve a lot of the fear. Then as I begin to engage with thinking about what makes me scared, I begin to realize, it's not that big of a deal. Especially with Jesus inside us, we don't have to be afraid. There is provision and grace for however big or small the fear is. Jesus walks right in and says, "It's ok. I am here. Let's see what's really involved with this. I'm pretty sure it's just a bunch of hot air!"

What subject do you consider taboo? Jesus will walk right into that place and show you truth. Don't be afraid to admit your scared and see where he is.

G'night. :)

Relative Drama

I can't post what I'm thinking because I really don't want it to hurt people if they happen to stumble across it. However I will say this, sometimes when you think someone is completely disregarding your big day and you know that you diligently went to every wedding/baby shower for them, it's not because they are intentionally being stuck up, it could be for reasons that they are too embarrassed to talk about.

We are in tough economic times and I definitely understand that one. Life for the Mack family has never been the same since the day that Pfizer shut down in A2. So for those of you in a tough spot, I release the blessing of Jesus into your life. Wherever you are experiencing lack, I ask that you would see increase and see that place full.

Jesus help me to release blessing instead of judgement.

Time for bed, as I have to get up at 5am!! My lovely fiance signed us up for a 10k race and I am dreading that we have to do this. It'll be a great morning run/walk for sure! I am not in good enough shape to do this. We'll see what happens- GO TEAM! :) (I include the Red Wings in that category)

j.M2

The Right Glasses

So the Lord showed me on Sunday that I have been seeing a certain situation through the wrong lenses of the glasses I'd been wearing. For the past year, I have been carrying a lot of pain inside me concerning a relationship that was really important to me. I interepreted the situation as rejection, when in fact it was love. However, I did not see it as that until Sunday.

The Lord has challenged me over the past year to step out of living in a place of living by formulas, to stop living out of a place of pleasing man, and to start being assertive. I'll explain each.

While doing research for a paper for school, I came across an article that mentioned the pattern of thinking that consumes the American way of life. We process everything as "A+B=C". This formula rules our lives, our thinking patterns, and I'm pretty sure we don't even realize it. As Christians we often live our lives like this. The Bible says don't do "A", so if I must focus solely on not breaking that rule- "B", then "C" must equal the blessing of God or the love of God. It must! That's the formula.

Did you know this just doesn't work? I know for sure it doesn't work. It is a good think to have boundaries, standards, the Ten Commandments, the law- whatever you want to call the thing that makes you draw a line that says "this is wrong and this is right." However, if that rule is what you are focused on to keep you "safe" from breaking part A of the formula, then you will most certainly fail.

For example, there were rules (and still are) in place when my fiance and I started dating. I was so focused on the rules, because I wanted the blessing of God on our relationship. I knew we were going to be married and I wanted God to bless us. However, we kept breaking all the rules! So I was sent into this place of panic every time this happened, I was sure God hated me! We were totally doomed.

One day, my fiance and I sat before the Lord, expressed our desire to be holy and to honor him. I expressed my frustration and anger to the Lord that the rules weren't working. All the things that the church had taught me, I was trying with all my heart to keep, and it wasn't working. "Just giving it to Jesus was a total croc!" I asked Jesus what to do and he showed me Romans 4:3 in the Message.

"Abraham entered into what God was doing for him, and that was the turning point. He trusted God to set him right instead of trying to be right on his own."

I was totally shocked. What was God doing for me? He was giving his Son for me. He was providing a way of being holy and having his hand of blessing. So I told Jesus, "Jesus, this is our turning point. We are trusting you to set us right and I am not trying anymore out of my own will power to keep all the rules, because it isn't working. I am going to stop focusing on the rules and start focusing on you."

And guess what started happening? Jesus started revealing himself. For example, my fiance looked at me and said, "We need to start leaving each other between 9 & 10pm. Our schedules are crazy, we're exhausted all the time, and it causes issues for us." That standard that we put in place has really helped us and brought a lot of blessing.

The Lord is showing me more and more that he is the new and living way. That means the road of my life is not A+B=C. There is forgiveness, for the death of Jesus is not something for the past it is something for the present- it is for right now. So whatever formula you are trying to live by, that isn't working- stop focusing on your inability to meet the standard fabricated in your mind and look at Jesus. What is Jesus doing for you?

One thing I know for sure, he doesn't hate you and he is not disappointed with you for not getting it right. How do I know this? Because since I've started looking at him and since we've been engaged the following has happened:

-We've been overwhelmed with love from friends, family, co-workers, and sometimes even strangers
-We were given $20,000 in bonuses, when we had no money to pay for our wedding
-We've had financial gifts given to us over $100 at random times (like when I needed money for my hair practice run)
-The guy doing our invitations refused to let us pay for anything
-We've had lots of favor with vendors giving us cheaper prices and waving fees
-And lots more!

It's been amazing. Well, I didn't explain everything that I had originally intended to write but I'm out of time for today. Enjoy your Memorial Day!

Ciao!

Growing Pains

So you should know something. I love my fiance- a lot. More than a lot actually! And I am so completely excited to marry him. He makes me sane. He makes me laugh. He doesn't let me take life too seriously. He makes me play. He always shows me the sunshine whenever I see rain- that was super cheesy but it's true. However, little did I know when I was asking God for a mate the challenges that come with bringing two lives together!

I'm actually learning a lot about myself. When you're single, there are a lot of things you aren't aware of until you start involving your life with someone else with the intent of forever in mind. You can easily just move from relationship to relationship, just b/c that person got a little too close to something you don't want to talk about. Learning about yourself is not a bad thing at all, in fact, I've found that it's been a place of finding freedom and growing. When you're building something that lasts forever, there's no hiding. The real you has to come out, which is good but scary, especially if you're used to relationships being on your terms. You suddenly become painfully aware of all your issues.

For example, I have recently discovered how unassertive I am. I have always known that I've struggled expressing what I want, but I never knew the word that described my feeling. I work with very assertive women, who have no issues expressing what they want. I, on the other hand, will wait and wait and wait for you to give me something because you should want to give me that, I am a good employee. In my personal life, my fiance could have a happy hour scheduled with his work friends, and I could possibly think to myself that he'd know to call me after his happy hour because he'd know that I'd want to eat dinner with him. I could wait and wait and wait for my fiance to call and then possibly get frustrated with him for leaving me hanging for hours- unbeknown to him of course. So how do I step out of this type of situation that just might happen one day?

I've decided to start asking myself these questions:
1. What did my fiance tell me he was going to do?
2. Did I express to him my true feelings about his plans?
3. Am I expecting him to do something with me the rest of the evening?
4. Did I tell him about my plans for him for the rest of the evening? If not, how am I supposed to tell him?

Working through those issues with your future mate can be rewarding if it's done in the right fashion. We've been doing a lot of practicing with the "active listening" technique. It's helpful because it forces you to listen, acknowledge your partner's feelings, and then your partner must do the same. You apologize and make a plan. Then you move forward. Sounds easy but it may take walking for 6 miles to get everything sorted out. I'd rather walk 6 miles than say hurtful things to one another.

So you want to get married? Go for it. Your human nature will come out and then your mate will remind you of who you really are- forgiven, loved, and that there's lots of grace for you.

Good night!

Secret Suprises

Life these days seems to be full of secret surprises! I normally hate opening my mail but recently I love it. I never know what is coming. It could be the $50 I asked the Lord for or just another Adventure magazine- which btw, won't stop being delivered to my house even though I never renewed it! Perhaps it's because I'm about to start the adventure of being Mrs. M2?

I'm starting to get really excited about being married. I am starting to feel a release from being weighed down by all the details and entering into the freedom of just enjoying the next month and a half. Don't get me wrong, I have tons to do still but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can't wait!

Ok, time for bed, too many late nights.

Ciao!

Good Morning

Good morning!

I have been up for hours. The Lord woke me up around 4ish in the a.m. and has been speaking to me. It's been really good, however, I hope he keeps me up the rest of the day! Craziness. What's he been speaking to me about? Well, that's just for me, but I am encouraged that God can take my failure and redeem it.

I started reading 1Timothy last night and came across this verse:
¹Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus according to the commandment of God our Savior, and of Christ Jesus, who is our hope,
²To Timothy, ^H)">my true child in the faith: Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord.
³As I urged you upon my departure for Macedonia, remain on at ^L)">Ephesus so that you may instruct certain men not to ^M)">teach strange doctrines, nor to pay attention to myths and endless ^O)">genealogies, which give rise to mere speculation rather than furthering the administration of God which is by faith.
⁵But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.
⁶For some men, straying from these things, have turned aside to fruitless discussion,⁷wanting to be teachers of the Law, even though they do not understand either what they are saying or the matters about which they make confident assertions.

A point to ponder:
The primary goal of being a Christian is to love from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith.

So, how do you do that? Well it's done through the administration of God, which is by faith, so you don't have to do anything. All administration is done by God! So it's God's faith in you. The best way to love from a pure heart is to get loved on by the purest heart there is- the heart of God.

Jesus, I want to love from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith. Would you administer to me the faith to step into experiencing a new level of love? I don't want to relate to anyone from any other place.

Thank-you Jesus!

Hello again blogger land!

So...I'm back to blogging. However, I'm keeping it a big secret!! So if you happen to find this blog of mine- congrats and enjoy reading; if you don't find it, then you'll never know any different and my blonde thoughts will go unread- ha!

Why am I back to blogging? It's helpful for me to write my thoughts out into cyberspace. It gives me the feeling of being heard. I think that's what we all want isn't it? To be heard? Not for what people want to hear us say but to be able to express our true feelings and thoughts- for better or worse. So fair warning to you, this may be serious, funny, or random text!

I have been in a tumult of change over the last year and I've been discovering a lot about myself. Some of it has not been so good and some of it has been really good. One thing I've realized with the not-so-good stuff is that these things are pointed out, not to make me feel bad, but are opportunities for Jesus to come in and change the not-so-good stuff. For example, I noticed that I've had a lack of grace for myself and others and I've been strongly desiring to be plugged into the grace of God. If you don't love yourself you can't love others! So I was searching everywhere on websites and in the Bible to understand grace and how you get inside you, or how you get the small amount of grace inside you to grow bigger. I was mentally wrestling for over a week! Then I received an email from a friend that expressed how cool the meaning of my name was. What was the meaning of my entire name?

Jessica Renee is my name. Jessica means the grace of God. Renee means to be baptized into. My name literally means I am baptized into the grace of God. I don't have to search outside of myself for figure out how to grow grace, self acceptance, self forgiveness, love for others inside of me. So I don't have to look anywhere outside, I just need to look inside, rest, and ask Jesus to increase the grace inside me.

Sounds silly doesn't it? Don't do anything? Well, if you believe that Jesus responds to our needs and my need is in agreement with his heart, then of course he's going to answer! His heart is that I experience grace, forgiveness, love, and that it overflows into the rest of my life.

So there's an example of turning something less lovely into something more lovely...